Quotable Drunks

Last night, the sky was grey, the streets were wet, and the air was just right for drinking. The gang and I, seeking shelter from the slow drizzle, holed up in a bar for a few hours. We got drunk. Fun things happened.

Here's a short list of my favorite quotes from last night.



MS: "My favorite color is football!"

MS: Drag Queens NEVER drink beer.
Drew: [laughing] What?
MS: Real drag queens drink something small and elegant - usually something that comes in a martini glass. Never beer, though. It makes their hands look huge.

SHS: The floor's all wet and gross!
Drew: Dude... zip up your pants.

Drew: [to random stranger] Is your friend ok?
"Friend": [pukes violently]
RS: Oh he's fine, he's fine... [pause] [to vomiting friend] Are you good to drive, man?
Drew: Not unless your want the inside of your car cover in greasy, viscous, chunky, half-digested, frothy, man-chum.
"Friend": [pukes violently]
Drew: Shouldn't someone call 911?
RS: Eh, I'm a nurse - he'll pass out eventually.
Drew: You're a shitty nurse.
RS: Heh - I have three "best costume" awards that say differently[scurries inside]

JM: If he asks to see your penis, show him.
Drew: Huh?
JC: Trust us. He's a magical being, a force of nature.
Drew: You guys are serious?
SHS: Completely. Only good things can come of it.
Drew: [checks zipper] Check please!

JC: You've never heard "In The Navy"?
Drew: This is my very first time hearing it... as in right now... as we speak
JC: [unintelligeble]
Drew: Wait, wait... that's by The Village People, right?
JM: I don't even know who you ARE anymore!

More as the final moments of 2008 play out.

[woot]


D

On a Clear Day

I was sitting in a car, listening to music with a complete stranger, smoking a cigarette and bobbing my head when it occurred to me that my new friend was high on cocaine. Very high. And he had no intention of getting out of the car anytime soon. I took a chance and walked away in the middle of an "awesome jam that will change your fucking life!" hoping that my new "friend" (herein referred to as Cokehead or C.H.) would keep himself occupied long enough for me to scuttle off into the distance.

But it was not so.

He followed me into my bar talking 1000 miles an hour about interest rates and his best friend Todd. I took a seat at the bar between two guys (both drinking Bud) and ordered a beer. C.H. accosted the man to my right, accusing him of being racist (he hadn't said a word) and 'wasted' (ironic and completely untrue). The man eyed C.H. for a moment before moaning "the hell?!" and getting up to leave. For the nest 45 min, I endured random repetitive rambling and annoying rib-jabs. C.H. was picking up speed, determined to make the whole bar feel "alive". He ordered shots for the 8 of us that were at the bar and we all toasted some dead guy that may or may not have been a friend of C.H. I thanked him and told him it was time for me to hit the hay. Then... things got tricky.

He grabbed my arm.

I haven't been in an honest-to-God fight for a very long time. And the last time I ended up tussling with some douche bag, it had everything to do with uninvited touching. I, of little patience and much aggravation, hit him.

Well, pushed him. But still.

He took a few steps back and said "Bro!" - no more, no less. Every nerve in my body lit up - a fight was inevitable. And I wasn't going to run. I balled up my fists hoping that, win or lose, this would be over quickly. I just wanted to go to bed. He began snorting like a bull and shouting "Bro! Really Bro?" over and over with increasingly strained intonation. I stood there with my fists hanging by my hips, waiting.

"Bro! Really? Really Bro?"

Silence.

A large (f'n LARGE) red-headed man came up from behind me, grabbed me by the wrist, and put a beer in my hand. "Buddy, you never finished telling me about Kwanza."

I blinked. He winked at me. It took everything I had not to laugh.

"It's seven days long", I began. "Kinda like uh..."

C.H. looked from me to the Red Fella and back to me. He blinked furiously and threw his hands in the air. "Ok man... shit. See... this is something else (laughter). I gave you"

"Shut it, sweet cheeks", said Red Fella, never taking his eyes off me. His voice was calm yet unmistakably threatening. C.H. paused then, no doubt drawing on artificial bravery, he signed own death warrant.

"Fuck you, fat ass!"

As Red stood and began walking towards C.H. with bundled hams at the ends of his wrists, I raised my hand to order another beer.

The bartender wasn't quick enough to stop the war.

The Alternate Route

I've been wasting my days
Good and reckless and true
I have danced in the dark at the edge of the water
Swinging my hips at the black and the blue

When you die will you be
Surrounded by friends?
Will they pray for a heaven out loud
A hope that somehow they will see you again?

And at the end of the day
Knowing not what it means
Will you stand in the ashes
Building a flame for the rest of your dreams?

Would you love
Could you love to be ordinary?
I know its hard but
I can see you trying

--Ordinary

The Up Date

It's done. I've fired off my first couple whatnots to my agent who is dutifully shopping them around. I'm a nervous, quivering, antsy mess but damn it I'm excited. Very excited, even.

She offered some great advice about publishing and directed me to some great resources of info that I've been perusing whilst I wring my hands and wait for an answer. I desperately (desperately!) want to share more but the news will have to wait until it's fully birthed.

I appreciate the emails begging, pleading, and downright demanding that I "Post, post, post, damn your black heart!" (Claire - HI, USA). I'm flattered as all hell. Sincerely. As such, I'm going to throw up a few never-published-here pieces that I've posted elsewhere. Look for new bits on Sunday night. Until then, be strong, marshmallows.

That's about that. Life, otherwise, is just ducky. For now, I'm heading out for a few beers and a much needed steak. I hope the holiday season is treating you all well. And, as always, thanks for reading.


D